Trying To Narrow Down Which Kid Will Take Care of Me When I’m Old

Last night was one of those nights were I was jolted out of a sound sleep by the thought of some bullshit that is nowhere near imminent. But for some reason, my brain seemed to think that 2:52 AM on October 13, 2014 at age 35 was the right time to begin planning for my personal elder care needs. I spent the following two hours trying to figure out which of my children was most likely to take care of me when I’m too old to do so myself. After carefully performing a personality inventory of each of my children, I came to the conclusion that I’m likely fucked.

The thought of dying alone terrifies me. I know that I’m lucky to have a wife and three kids that are above and beyond better than I could have ever imagined. Although Jaime often times makes me so angry that I fantasize about leaving her for the ugliest woman I can find just to spite her. The other night, Jaime and I had an argument that hit me so hard that I went on Craigslist and posted a feeler looking for chicks who resemble Marla Hooch from A League of Their Own. But as crazy as Jaime makes me, I do love the thought of us growing old together. But I know that life just happens and there’s a distinct possibility that may not happen.

If Jaime isn’t around to take care of me when I’m old, then I guess it’s up to my kids to handle that burden, but which one would take the reigns and see to it that I lived out my days in relative comfort with my dignity in tact? I quickly surmised that Mikey was not going to do it. He’s devastatingly cute and at the age of four, he’s already backlogged as far as pussy is concerned. I imagine once he gets started with the ladies, he’ll be preoccupied with them until his funeral. The amount of female attention he receives and relishes is staggering and, to be honest, makes me hate him a little bit. When I was his age, the best I could muster from the opposite sex was getting an offer for an old piece of hard candy from the dirty pocket of the neighborhood crazy lady who wore a full length wool coat in August. Anytime I’m with Mikey and an attractive woman gushes over him, I quickly try to nip it in the bud by telling the woman a made up story to take the attention off of him and make myself more appealing. I’m not proud of purporting myself to be a puppy hero, rescuing a litter of wheelchair-bound pit bulls from a burning building, but I can’t have Mikey getting all that attention and feeling good about himself while I stand there attentionless. Some son I’m raising, huh?

Once I crossed Mikey off my list, I was quickly down to burdening my two girls with my hypothetical elder care. Both Bella and Olivia have such heartbreaking compassion that it makes me tear up when I think of some of the thoughtful things they do. Bella has actually received an award for being the most thoughtful person in her class and Livi routinely writes me notes telling me what a great dad I am. They both make Mother Teresa look like a sociopath. But they often don’t get along and I can easily foresee them being so preoccupied with taking the lead over my care that I’d end up being neglected, left all alone, my worst fear being realized as they fought over being right. While they argued, I’d spend my last days trying to put together incomplete Thomas Kinkade puzzles in a nursing home by myself, thinking of what could have been while one of the orderlies steals the beautiful gold watch that was gifted to me by the SPCA for saving all those wheelchair-bound puppies.

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2 comments on “Trying To Narrow Down Which Kid Will Take Care of Me When I’m Old

  1. Hey Mike good stuff I’m 59 with 2 sons I know where I’m headed sittin in shitty diapers drinkin puread spinach through a straw can’t wait. Keep the good shit coming

    Sent from my iPhone


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