Top 5 Tips for New Parents

1. Brace yourself for projectile vomiting and projectile shitting. One of the most interesting aspects of kids is that they can never just throw up somewhere convenient. It’s always going to be on you, on the furniture or in the car. And whether it’s vomit or shit, it will also come out of them with such force that you’ll be conflicted as to whether you should call a pediatrician or a plumber. Prepare accordingly by permanently draping yourself in plastic like you are a couch belonging to an Italian grandmother.
2. Have as much loud sex as you can while you still can. Few things are as mortifying as hearing your parents having sex. New parents have a grace period where they can still tear it up without their kids noticing the cause of all that racket coming from the master bedroom. In a few years, that all changes and you’re then forced to make love at a decibel level typically reserved for jewel thieves and librarians. Really let loose and in addition to yelling out your normal sex sounds, indulge yourself and yell out shit like, “Show me the money!” and “Snap into a Slim Jim!” while the gettin’ is still good.
3. Don’t let your kids watch YouTube. Odds are, they’ll become obsessed with some weirdo gamer who has somehow become a billionaire by recording themselves playing video games while acting like a total fucking dickhead. The videos are mind numbing and they’ll also make you homicidal when the realization sets in that you’re struggling to pay your bills while this Minecraft playing dingleberry is buying rare birds with chic haircuts and shaving truffles over his Fruity Pebbles each morning.
4. Don’t let your kids sleep in bed with you. If they do it once, they’ll expect that shit every night. If they just slept like normal people, it wouldn’t be that bad, but for some reason, kids sleep so restlessly that it looks like they’re breakdancing while being attacked by bees. If they tell you they’re worried about the Boogeyman, just give them your cellphone for the night and tell them to call 911 as he’s coming out of the closet to pull them into a demon portal.
5. Stop worrying because you’ll somehow figure everything out. Your kids aren’t gonna starve, they’ll have clothes to wear and they’ll likely be so spoiled that they’ll become monumental pains in the ass that make you wish you donated your genitals to charity before they were born. Then again, the tax deduction for claiming a child on your income tax return is far greater than counting your genitals as a charitable contribution, so I’d consult with an accountant before even considering time travelling genital donation versus having children.
Category: blog

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *