The Days of Farting In My Kids’ Faces May Sadly Be Over

One of the simple joys that I’ve had in life for the past eleven years is that I’ve been at able to fart in my kids’ faces at will while they stood next to me. I’ve used this technique for quick laughs, to diffuse tense situations, and also as a disciplinary measure to knock them down a peg when they’ve been unnecessarily confident and defiant. However, my son just turned four and it seems as though all of my children are now too tall to be farted upon. I’m afraid the day may have come where my parenting skills may have to evolve past strategic farts.

Say what you want about me, but I have the farting prowess of an overweight Greek God. I can virtually fart at will and the stench is always identifiably my own signature brand. I was actually in talks over the summer with several law enforcement agencies in the past year to potentially have my farts bottled and used as a non-violent crowd control method. Talks fizzled as the money wasn’t right and after a police dog developed worms after accidentally inhaling one of the prototype fart canisters.

Over the years, I’ve prided myself on my farting. From a parental standpoint, I’ve used it on a daily basis. Overall, my kids have loved it, especially when they seen their brother or sister getting a strong rip to the face as they try to read. But my girls are too big for that now and as I tried to blast Mikey in the ear with a boredom fart last night, I found myself having to stand on my tippy toes just to be able to deliver a respectable butt gust. Much like Hall of Fame running back Barry Sanders, I’d simply rather go out on top than hang on just because I can still force wind out of my butthole.

That tippy toes incident marked yet another milestone that my children are really growing up fast. I do love that the older they get the more independent they become. Often times, I’m overwhelmed with trying to balance work and family, and it can be frustrating to have to stop working just to tie someone’s shoes. But those are the little things I know that I’ll miss once the kids no longer need Jaime and I to help them with.

I just know that within a few months, my days of farting in the kids’ faces will be done and I’ll be relegated to being kicked out of Gap Kids for walking around the store, teary-eyed, farting in the plastic faces of their tiny mannequins. I just hope the police who escort me out of the store will also be fathers and understand. Instead of throwing the cuffs on me, I pray that they have enough compassion in their hearts to just let me off with a few punitive farts to my tear-stained cheeks.

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4 comments on “The Days of Farting In My Kids’ Faces May Sadly Be Over

  1. You have blogged some very funny stuff

  2. My late hubs used to fart on our heads if we were sitting on the floor.If he couldcouldn’t get us that way he would cupafart and throw it in our face. LOL

    • Brittany, he sounds like my kind of guy.

  3. Mine throws farts like donkey kong slings barrels. He also has 0 problem grabbing the 4yo’s head and pushing him right into perfect fart territory before he lets em rip. For awhile he would fart and laugh and automatically reach over for a celebratory kiss from me until I pointed out what he was doing enough times to get him to stop. Still love the gassy gorilla ❤️

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