The Best Way To Describe An Evening Without the Kids

Yesterday, my parents took the kids overnight. The experience was liberating and refreshing. There are a million thoughts running through my head, but the best way that I can sum up having an entire night without kids is as follows:

Being home without the kids for 24 hours felt like getting paroled, then on the way out of prison, Jaime and I were picked up in a limousine filled with all my favorite thick, famous chicks, who marveled at my new, chiseled physique and who ultimately ending up fighting over me, leading to me having to tell the driver to pull the limo over to throw Pink, April from Eastbound and Down, and Eva Mendes out of the car so that we could continue driving to Vegas to celebrate freedom, but not before enjoying the limo hot tub and me coolly and calmly explaining to Serena Williams that we could likely never be together, as I am deeply devoted to Jaime.

When we arrive in Vegas, Bill Gates is there to greet me at The Bellagio, to not only compliment me on the size of my muscles, but also to tell me that he is fed up with all that “giving money away to charity” bullshit and that he thereby bequeathed his entire fortune to me. I nod, smack him lightly on the cheek then tell him he has done the right thing. We then head inside The Bellagio, where Aloe Blacc is there to serenade me with “The Man”. We then get into the elevator, where I see Ray Rice and I promptly knock him out just because. The elevator gets to the penthouse, where Jaime and I get butt naked and ride around on the complimentary tigers that The Bellagio was gracious enough to provide for us. Somehow, Aloe Blacc shows up again singing “The Man” while I ride my tiger around the suite. I politely tell him, “I get it, but leave me the fuck alone.” He starts crying, calls himself a stupid dummy, then runs toward the door. My tiger picks up on this, views him as prey and immediately charges after Aloe Blacc, ripping him to fucking shreds in the foyer, while I hold on for dear life and accidentally set a tiger rodeo world record in the process. Jaime can’t contain her passion for me in the midst of me setting world records, looking super muscle-y and inadvertently causing Aloe Blacc to be ripped to fucking shreds. To be honest with you, I totally get where she’s coming from, so I have my way with her.

After we’re finished, we get dressed up because David Copperfield has found out I’m in town and he has comped us two front row seats so we can watch him do magic and he can get a load of me and see what it’s like to be a fucking winner. On our way out of the suite, I see Pink, April from Eastbound and Down and Eva Mendes running towards me, wild-eyed, sweaty and dirty as shit as they’ve run to Vegas from the spot where I kicked them out of the limo. They’re all pleading with me at once and I simply raise a finger, causing them to all fall silent. I explain that Jaime and I are on our way to enjoy the magical stylings of Mr. Copperfield and if they really want to please me then they can pick up all the Aloe Blacc carnage that has littered my suite. They oblige before the words even leave my mouth.

Jaime and I step over Eva Mendes and we are on our way to see some magic that is nowhere near as cool as the natural magic that oozes out of me since getting out of prison, but normal people magic that will suffice for the time being. The elevator comes, I drag Ray Rice out into the corridor, then offer my arm to my lady.

So, in a nutshell, that’s how it felt to not have the kids for a night. Wear condoms, ya’ll.

Category: blog

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