Ten Ways to Explain Bedroom Ruckus to Your Kids

One of my biggest pet peeves about being a parent is having to have soundproof sex. It’s just weird, awkward and frustrating. However, muting my sex life is of utmost importance to me, as I know firsthand the damage that can be done by having loud lovemakers for parents. When I was a kid, my parents would have sex so loud that I often wondered if they were fucking or hosting a live-taping of Maury. The worst part about it was that my parents were completely unapologetic and made no attempt to cover their disgusting tracks. So, when my wife and I will make a bit of a ruckus that the kids seem to hear, we have to feed them some bullshit as to why we were¬†making so much weird noise or run the risk of scarring them for life. Below are my next ten excuses for bedroom ruckus.

  1. We’re making beats for Nicki Minaj.
  2. We were watching Forrest Gump and kept rewinding the scene where his mom gets him into school because education is super important to us.
  3. We were playing jump rope on the bed.
  4. The floor is lava so mommy and I were shaking with terror on the bed.
  5. Mommy and Daddy were having simultaneous night terrors.
  6. A bee got into our room and when mommy thought I got it with the swatter, she kept yelling, “YES!”
  7. Mommy and Daddy had an interpretive dance argument, which turned into a real argument because daddy’s dances don’t last as long as mommy wants them to.
  8. We were reenacting the scene from Home Alone where Kevin’s parents realize they are late for their flight.
  9. We were making sure the drywall is earthquake proof by banging the headboard into it for about 45 seconds.
  10. We were making you a little brother who hopefully doesn’t also have the hearing sensitivity of a bat.

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