Do You Really Wanna Know the Background of Your Elf on the Shelf?

He was born Elfert Allen Shelfowitz in Gary, Indiana on December 25, 1990. Elfert was raised by his mother, Lerlene Babbage, who was forced to work three jobs after Elfert’s father, “Big” Len Shelfowitz abandoned them shortly after finding out about Lerlene’s pregnancy. As the only white elf in a predominantly black neighborhood, Elfert was often ridiculed for his many differences, including flamboyant style of dress and happy-go-lucky nature. Teachers described him as an average student who often angered other students as he was frequently caught staring with a wide grin on his face. In the fifth grade, he was referred to the school psychologist, Dr. Dave Flutterman, who diagnosed Elfert with antisocial personality disorder.

Elfert and Lerlene bounced around towns in Indiana, after multiple evictions forced them to do so. At the age of 11, Elfert was arrested and sent to juvenile hall for setting a garbage fire in the rear of a 7-11 convenience store. The fire quickly spread and engulfed the building. Store owner Raj Patel observed Elfert masturbating behind a dumpster as the fire raged, so he charged towards him and held him by the scruff of his neck until police arrived. At the juvenile detention center, Elfert Shelfowitz gave his name as “Elf on the Shelf” and was known as such from that day forward.

After being released from detention for his arson conviction, Elfert went to his last known address to find that his mother had abandoned him. Although the situation left him heartbroken, Elfert had spent his time in juvenile detention learning the tricks of the trade from kid grifters, angle boys and scores of creeps in training, so he was well equipped to survive on his own. His bunk mate, Jesse Lee Dorsey, was an accomplished burglar by the age of 10. He gladly furnished all of his criminal knowledge to Elfert. As a result of obtaining all of that knowledge, Elfert was able to survive on his own for years, lying, manipulating, stealing and burglarizing homes to simply watch people sleep. In a prison interview with the A&E Network, Elfert describes a typical break-in: “I would usually just jimmy the lock with a Swiss Army knife. Once inside, I wouldn’t care if I stole anything or not. For me, it was all about the rush I felt from watching people sleep, watching their chests rise and fall, putting my ear to their mouths and letting their air fill my tiny, elf ear canal. I would often pretend that I was a part of that family. Most times, I would curl up between the husband and wife while they slept. After a few minutes of that, though, I would normally get an anger hard-on, so I’d jerk off like my freedom depended on it. When I would cum…er…ejaculate, I apologize for my language, I would never jerk off onto the wife. If she woke up with jiz…I’m sorry…semen on her back, she’d just assume her husband did it. However, I’d always jerk off all over the husband’s back, neck and face. That way, when they would awaken, it would be utter chaos, as there would be no explanation for why a man’s back, neck and face was covered in cum with only a woman in the room. It was just one of my quirks, man.”

Elf continued committing petty crimes and jerking off all over husbands in the Indianapolis area as they slept with their wives. But after a friend convinced him to come along to a Tony Robbins personal empowerment event at an Indianapolis Ramada, Elf realized that he needed to maximize his creep potential and find a way to have people invite him into their homes, so he could satisfy his deep, dark, disturbing cravings without running the risk of getting locked up again. After speaking with Tony Robbins during the event in front of several hundred other personal empowerment seekers, Elf decided that he would package himself and let people simply buy him, willingly place him in their homes and partake in his sick desires once they were asleep.

To date, Elf on the Shelf has willingly been placed in millions of homes.

Elf

 

 

 

Category: blog

2 comments on “Do You Really Wanna Know the Background of Your Elf on the Shelf?

  1. That’s fucked up. That’s really fucked up. I knew there was a reason I never bought that creepy bastard and brought him into my home. Lmao!!! This is great 🙂

  2. That was freaking hilarious!!!!

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