Psychoanalyzing Mikey’s Preschool Work

Mikey Thanks

After seeing Mikey’s preschool artwork indicating what he is most thankful for, I have ambivalent feelings. He put me on the list, which was a slam dunk, so whatever. But I’m a little weirded out about most of the other shit. I hope I’m wrong on some of these, but here’s my interpretation:

Carolann

This one weirded me out the most. I have no idea who Carolann is. The first thing that popped into my mind was that creepy dead kid from Poltergeist. If that’s the case, then not only is he chillin’ with some weirdo spirit who is a portal to the gates of hell, but now I have another kid in the house. Ghost kid or not, that’s the list thing I friggin’ need. She’s probably going to start waking me up in the middle of the night to bother me with bullshit like my worldly children do. “Mike, wake up. I’m scared. There’s a living boy in the room that my closet’s in.” No shit, Carolann. That’s because it’s Mikey’s room that you’re haunting. Go back to the netherworld and leave me alone.

The Color Red

I think he’s simply referring to the color red, which I can definitely understand because red is a pretty awesome color. Or he could be referring to a sequel to The Color Purple that I’m not aware of. I’m guessing The Color Red is a special Valentine’s themed sequel to The Color Purple where Danny Glover feels terrible for being such a jerk off to Whoopi and showers her with red roses. Look, I don’t know. It’s his fucking list, not mine.

Mommy and Daddy

Pretty good ones. Mommy is beautiful, does a lot for Mikey and is just pretty awesome. A little unstable, but again, his list, not mine. Daddy is an excellent choice. I’m easily the best blogger he knows and I pay for his food, clothing, shelter and Netflix. He has my full support on that choice.

The Red Door

I’m creeped out again because I just assume this is the portal that Carolann uses to commute from the kid afterlife into my house. If I find this door, I’m putting a deadbolt on my side and evicting Carolann from my home. If she’s got a problem with it, she can take it to Ghost Court.This ghost kid is already causing me more aggravation than I need. I swear to God, if I gotta take a day off from work to go to Ghost Court, I’m gonna go ape shit on this kid in the court room. I’ve seen A Few Good Men like 15 times. This kid has no idea what she’s in for. If she thinks purgatory was rough, wait til she sees my cross examination!

Toys

Mikey’s toys are pretty cool, so I can see his point here. Unless he’s referring to that horrendous Robin Williams movie, Toys. If that’s the case, I’m going to slowly phase this kid out of my life, because I just can’t associate with someone with such poor taste in movies.

Chair

Chairs really are pretty cool if you think about them. I enjoy chairs so much that one of the goals on my bucket list is to confine myself to one when I get to about 80 years old. In the meantime, I’m stuck being a part time chair user.

My Hammer

I’m assuming this is a euphemism for his penis. In which case, I admire him for feeling so confident about what he’s working with. My penis is so mediocre that I often dye my pubic hair neon green to make my genitals stand out. I’d kill to have enough briefs beef to brag about in preschool. No wonder this kid is attracting chicks from the afterlife.

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