An Open Letter to Caillou

I’m so angry typing this letter that I’m shocked that I’m able to form coherent sentences. First and foremost, Caillou, you are the biggest pussy in the history of non-vaginal pussies. Every time something does not go your dumb way, we are subjected to that high-pitched, cringe-worthy pussy fart you let out of your dumb face that is your version of whining.

Let me be clear, the older you get, the less tolerant those around you will be when you decide to think, talk and act like such a sniveling turd. Your cuckold father may have conditioned you to think that your stupid feelings actually matter and that your behavior is acceptable, but the contrary is actually true.

Hopefully, your mother will fall in love with her African American supervisor and will leave your father for a real man. Your dad will beg her to stay until it becomes clear that she is leaving for good. He’ll then beg her to at least let him sit in the corner and jerk off while she and her new man have wild sex in the same bed that your mom used to hate fuck your dad with a custom-made strap-on. She’ll say no, so now your dad is left with only his dumb turtleneck and his dildo of a son.

When you spend weekends at his new apartment, he’ll likely remove the batteries from the carbon monoxide detectors to increase his chances of a gas leak putting you and him out of his misery. He’ll tell you it’s cool if you bring your cat over but as soon as you fall asleep, he’s going to open the front door, remove the cat’s collar and tags, and set that poor animal free. You’ll wake up the next day and instantly begin crying about how your fucking waffles are soggy or some bullshit, then realize that the only life form that seemed to still care about you is now gone. Of course you’ll start crying even more and then your dad will just laugh and laugh. Not necessarily a good laugh, but the laugh of a man whose life has come to being abandoned by his wife, moving into a studio apartment in a shitty part of town because he’s getting drilled with alimony and child support, and coming to the realization that he has infected his son with the Punk Ass Bitch Syndrome that has plagued him since he was a boy.

Now that your parents have checked out, your cat has hit the bricks and your little sister is old enough to avoid you after realizing what a spazz you are, you are now left with you and only you. Good luck in life buddy. You’re gonna need it. Pussy.

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35 comments on “An Open Letter to Caillou

  1. thought i was alone in my hatred for this shitty little charlie brown look-a-like….cant be happier that my son hardly watches anymore , but at one point he was all about Calilou .

  2. So I take it you really don’t like caillou? Lol…. I’ll have to admit I’m not a fan of him myself. My youngest watches him often. Keep up good work love reading your rants.

  3. That was the first banned cartoon show in my home. Franklin, too. I wasn’t about to tolerate that little shit. I blogged my hatred of Caillou ten years ago and was so glad other parents shared the rage.
    Now I’m just sad to know that show is stillon air.

    • Franklin does suck a fat bird, too.

  4. This is probably the best entry I’ve read in my entire life. My almost 5 year old daughter tries to watch it, but that voice >.> like nails on a damn chalkboard. I’m your fan for life now haha

  5. Best blog ever. And I hate that stupid show. So happy my two toddlers would rather watch Ninja Turtles and shit.

  6. He’s the absolute worst and thank god my two year old thinks he’s a little bitch too and doesn’t want to watch him. She’d rather watch horror movies lol.

  7. Holy shit that is epic!!! I am SO glad I’m not the only one who wants to roundhouse kick that bald little asshole down 10 flights of stairs!! Who the hell created that whiny little twatwaffle anyhow??

  8. Oh sweet Jesus, I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. You nailed it. Fuck that bald headed little freak!

    • Thank you, Christoff. Fuck that kid.

  9. I laughed so hard at this. That show is from the devil and that little shit Caillou needs to go back to the hell he came from. You put into words exactly how I felt about this show.

    Cailou was not allowed in our house after 2 viewings. Hate that little douche.

  10. im pretty sure that whole family is probably mormon or some shit like that. there is no way a real family even acts like that. his baby sister has bigger nuts than that lil bitch. love the blog.

  11. I hate Caillou with a passion. If I was President objective one would be to send Seal team 6 to smoke his whinny butt. I remember the first time my now 9yo old son threw a Caillou style fit, I looked at my now ex wife and said F that if I ever see that show on my tv again I’ll throw the remote through it… NEVER AGAIN! My kids STILL talk about dads hate for that show 7 years after the fact…

  12. You never fail to make me laugh until I cry Mike….Thank you

  13. You guys shouldn’t talk so bad about someone that has cancer

  14. First of alll, I am a single mother who reads your blog pretty regularly and would like to say thank you. Thank you for the laughter that your funny stories and outlooks on parenting brings me. You make me feel less guilty for what I think on a daily basis. I am also a high school teacher, and your blog has been read at 2 separate department staff meetings
    Second of all, Caillou is a little bitch. That is all. 🙂

    • Penny, you just made my day. Thank you.

  15. I fucking LOATHE that cartoon. I’m glad my daughter wanted nothing to do with that little shit heel. She likes Transformers. And she loves Star Wars. Not the new trilogy…. my kid goes old school.

  16. This. Is. Poetry.

    I have to watch this with my nephews and die a little inside every time. But they’re two, so I’m rolling with it for now. By 3, however, I’ll be replacing that with non stop clips of old Randy Savage promos from the wwf. Gotta nip that bitch ass punk stuff in the bud early. Well done, sir.

  17. I often thought he has cancer. Let’s look at the facts. Obviously his appearance yes but this goes so much deeper than that. If you watch the cartoon you see that the world really favors him above all others. If he is with other children those children will be rewarded for simply being in his presence. He is indeed a terrible whiny brat but wouldn’t you also be if you were getting heavy doses of radiation at that age? He is very similar in that respect to curious George. I believe curious George is actually a projection of an idea of what the character thinks he is when in reality George is not a monkey but a child with an iq of 25. Caillou’s luck is not luck at all. The cartoon is narrated by a relative while having a dreaming apperence of a storybook. Caillou has been dead for years and these are memories of his heartbroken family. Now that we all know the real truth we can finally have some peaceful rest knowing that little shit is long gone.

  18. I love this blog. I’m an uncle of two young girls and me and my sister constantly talk about how much we would have teased and beat up Caillou. Wimp assed Charlie Brown bitch. But let’s talk about that asshole Max.

  19. Caillou is a little bitch. We don’t watch that show in our house for fear our kids will become even bigger whiners. Fuck you Caillou and the person that created you.

  20. I didn’t know that cancer ridden Canadian fuck was still on the air. So glad my kids are old enough to watch better shows then that.

  21. Couldn’t have written it better… Whenever I am in the store and I see Calliou toys, I turn every box every box upside down, give him the finger and walk away…

  22. When I was a Nanny I swore I would never let me my kid watch Caillou and I’ve stood firm. Are they every going to deal with his very apparent and profound Alopecia, because I think that is treatable now. Last week on Facebook I posted a diabtribe about “Max and Ruby” and how they never address what is clearly Max’s speech delay (and possible corresponding Autism). Seriously, he can walk to the store and shop by himself, but he can’t speak in more than two-word sentences? Get that shit checked out.

  23. When that show would come on, I’d instantly fake a migraine and tell my sons it was nap time… not to bash naps, but let me just check out for the 30 to 60 minute time slot that cramp is on… Xanex, anybody?

  24. Don’t forget about that uppity British bitch….. Pepa Pig.

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