My Top 10 Mom Moments

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I’m lucky to not only have a great mom, but to have also had a number of great mother figures in my life. I don’t know what I’d do without them. They are responsible for not only some of the best moments in my life, but some of the best qualities that I feel as though I have. Here is a list of notable mom moments in my life that I’m grateful for:

1. Walking to my first day of kindergarten with my mom. When I think back to this, I feel as though I’m filming it, as opposed to actually living it for some reason. I remember walking down the street that my kindergarten was on . I had a feeling some kind of shit was gonna go down, so I asked my mom, “You get to go in with me, right?” She looked at me and said, “No, you have to go by yourself.” I didn’t know the word at the time, but I remember feeling, “Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.”

2. My mom sat on the steps of my kindergarten for my entire first day. I told her she had to, and legally speaking, when a four year old tells his mother to do something this important, she has to do. I still appreciated it from a non-legal perspective, though.

3. Listening to my mom decline my dad for a blowjob. I was awakened early on a Sunday morning by the sound of my parents having a whispering argument. My dad was pleading with my mom to blow him and she was holding firm that she was not going to do it. For Christ’s sake, let the lady have her coffee first! At first, I was mortified, but I gradually just starting rooting for my mom. She held her ground and a few minutes later, she was downstairs making me breakfast while my dad sat in bed with his dumb dick to himself.

4. Listening to the most illogical parents’ argument ever. My dad and mom were loudly arguing one day, about real problems, not blowjobs again. My mom stopped everyone in their tracks by yelling at my dad, “I don’t live in the past, Frank. I live in the future.” It made me think that maybe the reason my mom was so hesitant to blow my dad that morning was because she was hooking up with Marty McFly the night before. The last thing you want to do while fighting through time travel jet lag is blow somebody in the present. Just trust me on this one.

5. Every time I see my mom, she hugs me. Sometimes, I just need a fucking hug.

6. My mom took me to see Nightbreed with our last $10. When I was a kid, I loved horror movies. I desperately wanted to see a movie that had just come out called Nightbreed. My mom only had $10 left until payday the following week, but when I told her I wanted to go to the movies, she just said, “Fuck it.” and we went. I fucking loved the movie and still appreciate my mom doing that.

7. My Aunt Pat just being awesome. My Aunt Pat was an incredible lady who cared for all of the kids in our family like they were her own. She was an amazing cook, an incredibly generous lady and she was an absolute sweetheart. I went through a phase in my life where I didn’t have any friends. I was shy and withdrawn, but Aunt Pat would watch the Phillies, Flyers or Sixers with me every night that I stayed at her apartment and it meant the world to me. I miss her incredibly.

8. Hearing Mikey say, “I love you, Mom” to Jaime constantly. Mikey is the sweetest fucking dude on Earth and he is going to just be an absolute poonhound when he grows up. In the meantime, he is focusing all of his sweet energy on telling Jaime he loves her and melting her heart.

9. Still proud of my mom for winning that blowjob fight.

10. Having kids with Jaime. Jaime is unquestionably the best mom I’ve ever seen. She’s sweet, beautiful, patient, and loving. The kids have no idea yet how lucky they are to have her as a mom, but I know one day they will. She’s a wonderful mother and I’m glad I impregnated her with a hat trick of children.

Happy Mother’s Day, ladies.

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