My Balls Have Become Magnets for My Son’s Fists

Some point during Spring 2014, Mikey realized that he could quickly incapacitate me by sneaking up on me and punching me in the balls. I can’t get mad at him because it’s funny. However, it’s gotten out of hand and I live in fear whenever he is around. The worst part is that I don’t see it ending any time soon. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m being bullied by a four year old boy who has apparently dedicated his life to destroying my testicles.

Yesterday morning, I finished writing my blog shortly after 6 a.m. I had some coffee then went upstairs into the darkness to get ready for work. As I hit the top of the stairs and walked through the doorway to our bedroom, I heard a tiny set of footsteps running towards me and before I knew it, my nuts were mugged by this tiny savage who is so dedicated to terrorizing me that he is now utilizing the cover of darkness to make my life a living hell.

Mikey’s hit me in the balls so often that I take a defensive posture every time he comes near me. He knows it too. You don’t know humiliation until a toddler stares you down as he invades your personal space with his fist slightly raised, causing you to take an awkward defensive posture like an overweight flamingo. The mental trauma is just as bad as the physical trauma. It’s borderline torture knowing that your nuts are essentially ISIS operatives waiting for the inevitable drone strike from this pint-sized patriot. Every time I see him lurking, I hear the JAWS music in my head. I picture myself sitting at my kitchen table getting drunk with Quint and Hooper, as Quint terrifies us with the tale of how he and his shipmates of the USS Indianapolis were stranded, terrorized and left to the mercy of a four year old obsessed with drilling them in the balls.

I don’t know how they look at this point, but after the abuse I’ve taken at the hands of my son in the past year, I’m sure that my testicles look like the ears of a wrestler. I guess I could always stick it to him and tell him that I have thousands saved for his college fund, then when he is about to finish high school, use that money for plastic surgery and get the balls of my dreams. Or I could even join a support group with other dads going through the same thing. We’d meet up and flinch each time one of us extended our hand to another out of habit. We’d vow to take back our lives and our balls, but deep down, we know it’s just a big cheerleading session and that each of us was going home to a human hornet’s nest in Lightning McQueen footy pajamas.

I just don’t have any answers. I’m resigned to the fact that my son’s figured out my Achilles heel. It’s not his fault. He’s a sweet little boy that is only exhibiting behavior that I’ve allowed for far too long. This is totally my fault…Jesus. Listen to me. This kid has been holding my testicles hostage for so long that I’ve developed testicular Stockholm Syndrome. It’s time I stood my ground. Hopefully, I can stand my ground with both feet planted firmly. After all, I am a man, not some fat flamingo.

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10 comments on “My Balls Have Become Magnets for My Son’s Fists

  1. Very Funny!!

    • Thank you Ed. You’re an angel.

  2. My 4 year old daughter does this with my husband. I try to make her stop but I can’t stop laughing because she (like your son) will do it at the most random times and use darkness or shelving or doorways to conceal herself and get him in the balls.

    • It is funny, so it’s hard to bust their chops about it.

  3. Could you wear a cup so the next time he hits you, he hits hard plastic?

    • Im having Data from The Goonies design one for me.

  4. It’s not child abuse to pop his little hands. Pop his hands, get down on his level and tell him that you want him to stop because it really hurts. (Maybe throw a tear or two in there so he will show pity). My son is three and I’m trying to break him from charging at my lady junk every time he gets riled up. Enough is enough. It’s time to stop with the buddy thing and flip the dad switch. Good luck!

  5. Hit him in the nuts back. That’s how I got mine to stop.

  6. Dude you need to put an end to this now!!! You are setting yourself up for years of misery and gentile swelling. The older they get the harder they hit. The capitol of China will be am ongoing joke in your house, Texas Tornados will he prevail any in your forecast, purple nurples will reign supreme. You will start keeping latex gloves as ice packs in the freezer, because the are the perfect form to ease parental abuse. Hue do I know??? House full of boys from 9- 21

  7. Omg soooo funny! But seriously, he needs to stop, before you get some legit damage and end up in the ER, with a nurse like me who will be LAUGHING!

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