Mikey’s Shoe Goes Missing for the 68th Time This Year

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A city on edge tonight as 7 year old Mikey can’t find his shoe for the 68th time this year. Police, Mikey and his parents are baffled as to the shoe’s whereabouts and there seems to be no hope in sight. Sources say Mikey came into the house and blindly launched his shoe across the length of the friggin’ house, leaving no clues to the shoe’s whereabouts and forcing an entire household to wonder when, if ever, Mikey will ever figure out what the fuck he did with his shoe, yet again.

We interviewed 39 year old pizza enthusiast and father of Mikey, Mike Rainey, to ask him about the AWOL Nike and he expressed a mix of shock, longing and anger. Rainey said, “I simply don’t know how someone can lose their shoes every single day. Honestly, I wouldn’t care if it was a Skecher, but it’s a Nike KD 10. I swear to God I’ll never buy this kid another cool pair of shoes again. From here on out, he’s wearing Crocs and dealing with the fallout. Losing an $80 kids sneaker is something no parent should ever have to endure.”

Police have searched Mikey’s home for hours, getting no further to finding the shoe than when they started. There was a glimmer of hope shortly before sunset, as a police dog seemingly hit on a match, but it turns out he was just excited to answer a curious onlooker who asked, “Who’s a good boy?, crushing the hopes of searchers and all those with a vested interest in this shoedunnit.

Authorities are hoping that a $50 reward will help entice anyone hesitant to share knowledge of the shoe’s whereabouts to come forward. For now, Mikey will play outside in a pair of rain boots as his family is left to wonder if they’ll ever see his sneaker again. “For fuck’s sake, is it that hard to just take your shoes off and leave them by the door?,” asked Mikey’s father, as he begrudgingly added a pair of child-sized Crocs to his Amazon cart before looking across the room to a single Nike KD 10 by the front door and bursting into tears.

Editor’s note: Shortly after posting this story, the shoe was found in the refrigerator’s lunch meat drawer. 

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