Losing Our Electricity and My Mind

Last Tuesday, a quick storm hit Philadelphia and its suburbs, knocking power out. Some people had their power knocked out for a few hours. Ours was knocked out for 24 hours. I was home alone with the kids for the duration and my emotions progressed from “This is fun!’ to “God, I could use a good ol’ fashioned carbon monoxide poisoning right now.” Below is an hour by hour breakdown of my mental breakdown:

6pm: “Oh shit. The power’s out.”

7pm: “It’s kinda nice without the TV blasting. The kids can’t do a fucking thing about it either!”

8pm: “Stopped raining. Maybe I’ll take the kids to the park. It doesn’t look too muddy.”

9pm: “The park wasn’t a good idea. The girls’ shoes are covered in mud. Mikey’s entire body is covered in mud. This kid does fucking everything full throttle. I’m pretty sure his father is Animal from Muppet Babies.”

10pm: “Giving the kids baths in the dark was a fucking nightmare. I felt like Helen Keller on Top Chef. When is this fucking power coming back on?”

11pm: “The kids are still swinging for the fences. No shot they’re going to sleep. I’ll light some candles and we can all read books.”

11:02pm: “100% chance these kids are going to set this fucking place on fire.”

11:30pm: Thoughts creep in of Jamie Foxx in the last Spider Man movie. I spend the next 15 minutes pretending that I’m not a little bit scared now.

Midnight: “I think these fuckers are finally asleep. Maybe I’ll watch porn on my phone and whack off.”

12:08pm: “Of course my battery dies right before the chubby hitch hiker realizes that she can only pay for her ride with pussy. Fuck my life.”

12:30am-7am: Merciful sleep.

7am: “Still no fucking power. Where the fuck do we live? I guarantee some goat fucker in Afghanistan is able to watch a Double Dare rerun right now while I sit here like a dildo reading a 17 year old Highlights magazine like a child in a dentist’s office.”

8am: The kids are awake. “Is the power back on, dad?” Look at my fucking face. I’m pretty sure my expression says that I’d cage fight a Golden Girl for some fucking TV right now. No, the goddamn power isn’t back on yet.”

9am-noon: Drive around looking for other survivors.

1pm: “I really wish I wore condoms.”

2pm: “The food in the fridge is going bad. Even though they’ve just eaten lunch, the kids are acting like the friggin’ soccer team in Alive. I fucking hate Ethan Hawke.”

3pm: “The kids’ mouths are moving, but I no longer understand words. I think I might set our lawn on fire and send an SOS.”

4pm: “This pizza is delicious. God I should have used condoms.”

5pm: “I am sorry for my sins and I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and personal savior. Notice I said ‘personal savior.’ He’s mine. Go find your own fucking savior.”

6pm: The power comes back on.

6:15: The kids are watching their shows downstairs. I turned on the microwave with no food in it just because I can. Then I’m upstairs watching chubby hitch hiker porn with the fucking lights on like a serial killer. Life is good.

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2 comments on “Losing Our Electricity and My Mind

  1. I love you and your brutal honesty 🙂

    • Thank you, Christina. I appreciate that.

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