It’s 2 A.M. and I’m Paralyzed With Fear By the Sound of a Talking Toy

I’m a gigantic pussy to begin with. It doesn’t take a lot to frighten me in the middle of the night. When that happens, I’m up for good and living in fear until Jaime or one of the kids wakes up.Yep, you read that right. Occasionally, one of my children has to save their 35 year old, 215 lb. father from his irrational fears, especially when I’m awakened in the middle of the night by a talking toy that might get me.

Every night before I go to bed, I have to put something lighthearted on TV. If it isn’t whimsical, I’m fucked. I’ll have nightmares until my alarm goes off, or be woken up by nightmares of whatever I watched before bed. Judging by how big of a pussy I feel like, I’m astounded that I don’t fall asleep clutching a Build-A-Bear dressed like a policeman each night. To make matters worse, I normally fall asleep on the couch, so I’m by myself. That’s normally not a problem, but occasionally, one of the toys from the toy chest behind the couch will start talking in the middle of the night to remind me that no matter how big or old I am, any machismo that I possess is wiped out by the sound of a fake baby, reducing me to a giant, trembling flaccid penis.

Last night around 2 A.M., I was having nightmares because I decided to watch the new season of American Horror Story around 8 P.M. I turned it off because I could feel myself morphing into ninny-mode, like a werewolf who goes all werewolf-y every time his mom drops him off at adult daycare. I then put on Midnight In Paris with Owen Wilson, which meet all of my embarrassing sleep entertainment criteria and I was out.

Fast forward about four and a half hours later and I was startled awake by the muffled sound of a baby talking and laughing. I then did what any self-respecting man would do: I made sure my feet weren’t hanging over the edge of the couch. Once I had my feet back on solid couch, I began to try to make sense of the situation. “Ok, Mike. It’s just a toy. It’s fine. It’s probably just a weird mechanical glitch and not a baby possessed by the spirit of a demon sent from the spirit world to terrorize fat fathers with irrational fears developed by watching Child’s Play at too young of an age.” That still didn’t make me feel any better, so I decided to lay in fear for the next two and a half hours, fully resigned to the fact I might piss myself, because even at 35, I still can’t calculate how much green tea I can drink before my bed time without needing to wake up in a panic, run to the bathroom and let loose like a circus elephant. During those two and a half hours, I’m not sure I blinked once and even worse, I had trouble breathing, as my balls had ascended into my throat. Every few minutes, the demon baby at the bottom of the toy pile would say something then laugh, forcing me to cut the terror in the air with a steady stream of scared farts.

Once 4 A.M. rolled around, I decided to man up, mainly because I heard Jaime go into the bathroom upstairs. I jumped off the couch, grabbed that friggin’ doll, looked it dead in its plastic eyes and said, “I am not afraid of you!” I’m shocked I was able to do it without crying. I then punched it in the chest, shutting it up for good, before getting back to being an adult and starting my morning routine, which consisted of gearing up the anxiety for all the shit I have to do today. As if I wasn’t busy enough already, I realized now I have to fit in a trip to Build-A-Bear to get my policeman, just so there’s no funny baby business tonight.

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2 comments on “It’s 2 A.M. and I’m Paralyzed With Fear By the Sound of a Talking Toy

  1. Too funny! I thought I was alone in my unnatural fear of my children’s toys. 🙂
    I’m glad I stumbled upon your blog…love it!

    • Brandi, I’m still scared of shadows and medium sized dogs as well.

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