Five Parenting Superpowers I Wish I Had

I have a ton of glaring weaknesses as a parent and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to compensate for them. As a result, I’ve been fantasizing about obtaining parenting superpowers which would not only reform my weaknesses, but transform me into a better dad than any of these other fucking dorks. Here are my top five parenting superpowers in no particular order:

1. Eyes That Shoot Benadryl at My Kids in Laser Form

Close to twelve years into the parenting game and bedtime still makes me want to claw my fucking eyes out because the kids can never simply just go to friggin’ bed. It’d make it a lot easier for them to fall aslepp with a little Benadryl in their systems, though. I don’t want to have to get off the couch and slip it into the drink that they inevitably come back downstairs for night after night, so I figure it would be much more efficient if I could just fire Benadryl in laser form right out of my eyes and into their bloodstreams.

2. Have Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman “Weekend at Bernie’s” Me

Many times when I am able to relax at home, I just want to take a friggin’ nap. The kids always want me to do shit with them though. It’s as though their spidey senses tingle every time my eyelids close. If Andrew and Jonathan would be willing to throw some shades on me and lug my buddy to the park where they can puppet me around and I can pretend to watch the kids play while I really take a nap, it would be a win/win for all of us.

3. Be Able to Bang Alyssa Milano

You’re right, this wouldn’t be a superpower, but whatever. I just want this to happen. So whatever superpower she’s into, I’d like to obtain and show her who the boss is.

4. Hire a Fucking Robot to Get Them Ready

Again, not a superpower, but it certainly seems as though I need to possess a superpower or at least a fucking housekeeping android just to get the kids ready to leave the house in order to go anywhere. I imagine it’s easier to drink a bottle of Fireball, spin around twelve time then dress Stephen Hawking in a three-piece suit than it is to have three children dress themselves appropriately for the elements in a timely fashion.

5. Develop An Invisibility Cream So I Can Sit in the Corner of the Room and Whack Off While I Watch My Robot Fuck Alyssa Milano

If you need an explanation for this one then something’s wrong with you.

Category: blog

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *