The Existential Crisis That My Son’s Butt and Bird Jokes Have Created

My son Mikey is 4 years old and is already incredibly funny. He just fucking destroys all day long. Yesterday, Jaime called me to say that he had shoved his bare butt into our 8 year old daughter Olivia’s face. When Jaime told him that he can’t do that, he replied, “But you laughed.” When Jaime pressed the issue, his answer to that was, “But it’s funny.” I have no idea how to fucking handle this.

For the eleven years I’ve been a parent, my one rule of thumb when disciplining the kids has been, “If it’s funny, you’re not in trouble.” However, being that 90% of Mikey’s material involves baring his butt or whipping his bird out, I may have to make an amendment to my longstanding policy. His butt and bird jokes always kill me. One, because they’re just really funny. Two, because at 36 years old, I function at the mental capacity and composure of a 5 year old on magic mushrooms who’s being tickled.

I have no idea what to do here. For selfish reasons, I want him to continue doing what he’s doing. It’s astounding to me that he can be this funny at such a young age, but I also realize this behavior won’t be cute a few years from now. I just picture him leading a tense meeting at work, as he discusses the tenuous state of Spencers Gifts, Inc., as he is the youngest CEO of the world’s leading retailer of plastic shit and greeting cards with old ladies giving sexual birthday messages. As the mood turns to ominous, his empathetic nature kicks in and he flashes some peen in an attempt lift everyone’s spirits. Four months later, I’m in court accepting full responsibility for leading him down the wrong path and leading him to believe it’s cool to brighten people’s days with bird and butt. He’s then sentenced to ten years in creep jail all because of the reinforcement I gave his behavior when he was four.

My goal is to come to a solution by the time he wakes up today, as I’m sure he’ll greet me with some hilarious nudity once he wakes up. I’ll likely sit him down and have a heart to heart. Then he’ll surely fart as I make my poignant argument and I’ll have to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from laughing and maintain his dubious destiny¬†as the wunderkind of Spencer’s Gifts.

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15 comments on “The Existential Crisis That My Son’s Butt and Bird Jokes Have Created

  1. Gold… pure gold…

  2. I feel ya man! My three year old boy is a riot! I often wake up to him at his drum set playing away…butt naked. Another day I woke up to his bare butt on my face….I can’t laugh because “the intimidator” would get onto both of us!

  3. You are so refreshingly funny! I needed the laugh that came from reading “I shit myself at Office Depot today “.. I haven’t laughed so hard at a piece of literature in s very long time.. Thank you!

    • Thank you, Shonda. This really made me happy.

  4. I’ve invited all of my FB friends with a sense of humor to like your page! Happy New Year! No more shitting at Office Depot!

  5. I have 2 boys, ages 4 & 6, and my 4 year old is CONSTANTLY pulling down &/or has his hands down his pants! Like – constantly. He just walks around saying: “peeny” “penis” “butt” “don’t touch my junk” “why don’t girls have a penis?” “Let’s play a penis game!” ALL. DAY. LONG.
    At times he pulls on ‘it’ and then screams in pain. (?!?!?!?!?) I remind him to stop, and he’s like, “Oh, yeah.”
    My 6 year old – never does/has done any of this.
    I, too, wonder how my 4 year old will use this obsession/talent(?) for good and not end up in perv jail???
    Thanks for the laugh!

  6. We have the same rule you do, if you make us laugh you don’t get into trouble. This worked ok for our 8 year old daughter, who’s more of the serious type anyways. Our two year old daughter, however, is mischievous and hilarious. It’s really hard to discourage her love of the phrase “Oh shit” when she always uses it in the right context! She taught herself how to make herself belch, she lifts her shirt and yells “Boobies!” All the time (thanks to her fascination with my breastfeeding her little brother) and she thinks farts are hilarious, yet I just can’t stop her because its hard to take mommy seriously when she’s cracking up…

    • I agree, Lauren. My eight year old said Jesus Christ the other night and it was right on the money so I had to delicately tell her to say it another way even though she nailed it.

  7. Omfg I love you

  8. My new favorite site. It’s so refreshing to know that I’m not the only parent that is actually real, I’m constantly reading blogs about parents that work a full time job, sponsor all their kids extra activities, host a five course diner for eight friends every week and make lace curtains out of their leftover toilet paper tubes, it gets depressing. Thanks for being a real parent with real kids!!!

    • Thank you Holly. I noticed that too when I started checking out other parent blogs. My primary thought after reading most of what I read was , “Get the fuck out of here.” I know Im not alone with what I think and feel, so I love to hear other parents share similar experiences.

  9. I’m cracking up reading your blog and can totally relate. My daughter is like that. 3 years old and keeps us laughing hysterically at not so appropriate things, and well, we fully accept that she gets that from her parents who are complete doofuses and don’t fall into any sort of stuck up prudish norms. She’s developed this obsession with AFV lately, and we let her youtube them on the tv. Well she clicked on a collections video the other day that wasn’t AFV but wasn’t bad till there was a little kid saying “What the Fuck” over and over… well we’ve already gone through a couple slips of the old potty mouth. Like a week and a half when she was 18 months old and would occasionally says Fuuuck? Like it was a question rather than an expletive. After her Mommy decided to tell her daddy to go do that to himself! Oops. So I grabbed the mouse and got us safely back to AFV and didn’t have anymore f bombs so I thought we were safe… till the next morning when my beautiful little girl got into the living room, took one look at her window seat area that is usually a cluster bomb of toys and chaos that her daddy has straightened up and said WHAT THE FUCK?! I immediately guffawed, which of course got me the 3 year old evil laughter of doom and then had to explain it was actually not funny or nice to say that. It’s terrible because it’s her daddy and my’s immediate response, to laugh at her antics. Oh we are in trouble. She’s a funny little kid.

  10. I remember one New Year’s we were having a little social at our Church. One of our lovely children brought a suitcase of clothes and toys, and throughout the course of the evening, changed clothes a few times. Then near midnight, he runs out into the hall, changes clothes again, then runs into the sanctuary with a toy gun in hand, a pair of underwear on his head and ‘shoots’ the singers who came to entertain at the social. The things little kids do

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