Doing My Part In Preventing Another Mass Shooting

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I love guns and I fully support the Second Amendment, but it is entirely too easy to obtain a gun and there are way too many of them in the hands of dangerous people. It is clear that the application process is not thorough enough to weed out these people. Here are my proposed changes:

1. I nominate myself as Gun Judge. Every one of you honky dorks will have to go through me if you want to obtain a gun legally.
2. Anyone with crazy eyes will automatically be declared permanently disqualified from owning a gun. Take a look in the mirror. If you look like you’ve tortured squirrels, you’ve just saved yourself the trouble of completing anymore of my requirements.
3. If you look like you couldn’t handle a podcast, you can’t handle owning a gun.
4. Send me 10 photos of yourself. If any combination of those photos looks like they could be used to make a slow montage during a CNN breaking news alert, then I’m sorry bro.
5. I need to meet your uncles. If any of them shows up to our meeting with a political statement on a t-shirt tucked into dungarees, you’re fucked. If any of them refer to President Obama as anything other than President Obama, you are fucked in that regard as well.
6. If you’ve ever been banned from a mall, you’re not getting a gun. Your behavior in Hot Topic is a trial run for how I expect you to act with a gun on your hip. If I even hear that you’ve flipped through the My Chemical Romance posters with the least bit of aggression, you just fucked your own chances at gun ownership.

Bear in mind that complying with all of these requirements is simply the initial phase to possibly owning a gun. After all, this should be difficult. It’s a gun you’re looking to own, not a goddamn boogie board.

On a serious note, some of the parents whose children were victims of the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School in 2012 started an organization called The Sandy Hook Promise. Its purpose is to prevent tragedies like the one at Sandy Hook and most recently, in Charleston. So many of these tragedies could be prevented with common sense, i.e. not making guns available to those with clear mental health issues and/or with someone recognizing the warning signs and doing something before something terrible occurs. Please take a second to click on the link above and read about what they are doing. Thanks for reading.

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