Bracing for The Reverse Purge

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As the school year comes to a close, my stomach starts to hurt a little bit. I know it’s coming and it hurts my head to even think about it. It will become worse each day as we inch towards the final bell on 7th and 3rd grades. The kids will rejoice and my blood pressure will rise as Bella, Livi and Mikey attempt to sit in the house all goddamn summer and drive me utterly fucking insane. I call “it” The Reverse Purge.

If you haven’t seen the movie The Purge, I’ll give you a quick summary of it. Once a year, there’s a night where people can get away with whatever bad shit they want to do just to get it out of their systems. As a result of all the malcontents on the prowl, good people board themselves in and lock the fuck out of the windows and doors of their home to keep the trouble out. This is similar to what my kids attempt to do each summer. The big difference is that the only trouble afoot is the trouble they’re causing in the house and the only safe haven for me is outside of my home.

When I was little, the streets could have been filled with child molesting crocodiles and I still would have been raring to run outside at sun up. Sitting inside on a summer day was the equivalent of wearing a blindfold to watch porn. We had cable and we had air conditioning and I couldn’t give a fuck. I was thirty pounds overweight and couldn’t fucking wait to spend each day sweating my balls off and developing heat exhaustion while playing street hockey in 90 degree weather like Wayne Gretzky with a wildin’ out pituitary gland.

My kids are the exact opposite. It takes an act of God to get them out the front door. They’ll stand at the threshold of the front door just to antagonize me before saying that they can’t go outside. They’re like Shoeless Joe Jackson from Field of Dreams if Shoeless Joe was a spoiled child instead of a weirdo ghost. If the roles were reversed and my kids were weirdo ghosts, I’d tell them to go towards the light and they’d complain about Heaven being too bright as an excuse to haunt my house for eternity.

Maybe this summer will be different. Maybe the kids will have an epiphany and realize that they’re pissing away a golden opportunity to pay the sunburned price of a well spent youth. Or they’ll continue to drive me insane and never get to realize the joy of being dehydrated and obese with second degree burns.

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