5 Ways That I Think I Can Hide From My Children

One of the biggest obstacles parents face is finding time and space to be left the fuck alone. No matter where you go, the kids always seem to hunt you down. It’s like The Walking Dead only instead of brains, these child zombies just want you to watch them do shitty cartwheels. But I’ve had enough of watching shitty cartwheels. It’s high time I man up and show’s these kids who’s boss and declare my independence from these attention vultures. So in other words, I have to find a few places to hide. I have yet to find any cool hiding spots so I’ve decided to create my own. Below is my list of top five ways that I think I can hide from my children.

1. Buy a bear skin rug and hide under it on my living room floor

Honestly, this one isn’t very realistic for two reasons. One, we don’t have the money for a bear skin rug. Two, I know I’d be terrified with that thing draped over my back because I’d feel like DiCaprio getting butt fucked by that bear in The Revenant.

2. Set up a zipline from my bedroom to the park down the street

The second I hear the words, “Daaaaaddd, I need you.”, I’m climbing onto my roof and ziplining to the park to treat myself to a hot dog and watch a little league game involving kids that don’t need anything from me. Then again, I don’t want to earn a reputation as a guy that stares at children while eating hot dogs. Fuck.

3. Find a good invisibility cream

I thought I found a good invisibility cream last summer in Chinatown. Turns out it was just bootleg monkey semen. You better believe The Better Business Bureau heard from me, pal! As I type this, I’m currently wearing another supposed invisibility cream. Not disappearing yet, but definitely not gorilla cum either. Still a possibility. Keep ’em crossed for me.

4. Get weekends in jail

This is a long held fantasy of mine. Just gotta figure out a crime that would only get me Friday thru Sunday in the slammer. I think I’ll try to sell puppy coke to an undercover police dog and go from there.

5. Go back in time and start wearing condoms

Let’s be honest though. Time travel is more of a possibility than protected sex at this stage of the game. Although if condoms are sound-proof, I’ll buy a pack of Magnums and wear ’em on my head. I just hope their not sheer enough as to where I’d have to still watch shitty cartwheels.

Click here and check out this interview the kids and I did for a web series entitled At Their Worst.

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