5 Tips for Getting Through Holiday Dinner with Extended Family

If you’re anything like me, you’d rather suck dick in front of your parents than have a holiday dinner with extended family. Unless you go in with a game plan, you’re going to end up cornered in the rumpus room by your sister’s new boyfriend who knows nothing of personal space and who has a great new business opportunity for you (jerk-off motion.) Here’s a few tips to help you survive the holiday dinner and put you in control of the evening so you don’t feel like you’re sitting in the corner of the room watching your spouse get plowed by your boss.

Shut your fucking dumb uncle down right off the bat.

Your uncle has been chomping at the bit for the past year with fresh material that he stole from some other balding dildo off the Internet on topics like DeflateGate, Caitlyn Jenner, Donald Trump, and Syrian Refugees. As soon as that fucking middle-aged dork in stone-washed jeans takes off his jeff cap and scarf, he’s going to open his mouth to say the first of what will surely be a thousand dumb dork declarations of the evening. It is imperative you throw a handful of cum in his face like Miggs did to Starling in Silence of the Lambs. If you need to borrow cum, so be it. The second that load lands on that asshole’s face, he’ll be stunned and will spend the rest of the evening in the bathroom scrubbing his face with lavender soap so he can smell anything other than boy bleach.

Tell everyone you are expecting another child.

That way, it will steal all the thunder from Mom Mom, who would have inevitably started her pity party about not knowing how many more of these get togethers the Good Lord has in store for her. Nobody wants to hear her sappy bullshit. While everyone congratulates you on your forthcoming phony baby, Mom Mom will sit there seething, willing herself to die through prayer so she can divert the attention back to her, but coming up with nothing because even God doesn’t want to communicate with her. She’ll just have to sit there and wait until it’s 7 o’clock so she can take her blood pressure medicine, which will likely be the most exciting aspect of her worthless day.

Get really drunk.

No real game plan behind this one. Tie a load on and sucker punch your brother in law the second he starts talking about fucking work. Fuck him and fuck work. If you knock him out, piss on him, take his shoes and upload the video to WorldStar.

Moan throughout grace.

While your dad acts like fucking Joel Osteen with his lame improv prayer, envision yourself getting the best head you’ve ever gotten. Let everybody else at the table know how good this imaginary head is as well. Finish it off by squirting some hypothetical ejaculate at the relative across the table. Throw your dinner napkin at them and tell them to clean themselves up instead of sitting at the table with hot spooge all over them like some kind of slut animal.

Settle the “stuffing vs. dressing” argument with authority.

While playful arguments are lobbed across the table, pound your fists onto the table and yell, “We’re talking about shit that we are eating that has been shoved into that turkey’s asshole. Why don’t we go around the room and talk about some of the other things we’ve eaten out of assholes? Uncle Rick, you’re up first. Why don’t you start with your time in the Peace Corps?” Make yourself another drink and enjoy the stories. What til they get to Mom Mom!

Thank you for reading my nonsense. On a serious note, one of my son Mikey’s classmates was recently operated on to remove a cancerous brain tumor. Please click this link and help her family with a donation. Thank you.

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