5 of My Worst Moments Since Becoming a Parent

I’m over 12 years into being a parent and I still don’t know a fucking thing about how to do it correctly. Every day is filled with a sliding scale of glorious successes and soul-numbing failures. If I had to pick a few things that I’d change, there are a few that really stand out. In no particular order, they are…

Bobbing for Budweisers at My Daughter’s Baptism Party

While everyone congregated in the kitchen to blow out the baptism cake, I was on the other side of the kitchen window bobbing for Budweisers in a baby pool. When I finally came up for air, the candles had been blown out, which made me feel terrible that I’d missed it. Fortunately, I had successfully bobbed for Budweiser, so at least I had a fresh beer to drown my sorrows in.

Drinking 2 Pints of My Own Piss at the Same Baptism Party

I drank the first pint of piss because my buddy Steve dared me to. I drank the second one because I’m a showman.

Getting So Drunk That I Ruined a Sweater

A few years ago, I recorded a podcast in Philadelphia. I crushed Jameson Whiskey throughout the whole show, so I needed a ride home. Jaime picked me up with the kids asleep in the back of the car. Within five minutes of being driven home by my wife, I told her to pull over so I could throw up. I puked all over my sweater and was so embarrassed, I ripped off my shirt and ran through the streets of South Philly trying to lose my wife rather than have her continue to see me in this condition. Jaime drove the streets looking for me for a bit, but I ran like my life depended on it, so eventually she just went home. It was the white trash Bourne Identity.

Not Spending Enough Time With Each of the Kids

The most difficult aspect of having so many kids is that it’s difficult to find one on one time with them. My partying days are done, so I spend a lot more time with all of them at home, but I still feel guilty about not being able to spend more time with them due to the time I have to spend working. Hopefully, I’ll suffer a debilitating injury in the near future which requires me to get a full body cast. If somebody could blast me with their truck like in the “Enter Sandman” video, that can become a reality for me. That way, I can spend all day with the kids and get caught up on Downton Abbey, Better Call Saul and American Pickers. God that sounds awesome. Fuck, why didn’t I think of this sooner?

Not Wearing Condoms

Self explanatory.

 

I’m writing for & playing a role in a new Comedy Central webseries called Delco Proper. Like our Facebook page here. New episodes in late February!

 

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