3 Ways To Do Halloween Like a Winner

If there’s anything that makes me angrier than my son punching me in the balls while I have a serious conversation with another adult, it’s when people half-ass Halloween like it’s some kind of bullshit pagan nonsense that isn’t even a banking holiday. When you’re decorating your house and giving out candy, you really want to go balls to the wall to let everyone in your neighborhood know that you’re a bad motherfucker that spares no expense blowing money on bullshit that you’ll use once a year. Here’s a few tips to really make yourself stand out and make everyone in your neighborhood waste their All Saint’s Day talking about how awesome you are and how much they hate you for it.

1.Make Your House Seem As Terrifying As Possible

You could go all out with fake spider webs, tombstones in the front yard, spooky music from a boombox and a fake dead body in a chair on the patio. But putting all those things into place is incredibly time consuming. Last year, we saved a boatload of time and cash by just flying Jenny McCarthy in to sit on our front step, hand out candy and give each trick or treater misinformation about vaccines. Utterly terrifying. We didn’t get a single trick or treater after 7:30pm.

2. Try to Use Scary Words Unnecessarily in Casual Conversation

Last October, our family had to make a decision whether or not to take Mom Mom off of life support. The day of the decision, her doctor came in and laid it all out on the line for us. He said, “In my medical opinion, Gertrude won’t make it past FANGS-giving. So I would get her a-SCARES in order.” Everyone else in the room broke down crying, but I high fived him and gave him a reaffirming nod because I know that crafting wordplay like that isn’t easy. We pulled the plug on Mom Mom that night. I tried to get in touch with the doc before the funeral as I wanted to pick his brain about some puns for the eulogy, but he had already flown to Cambodia for sex tourism purposes.

3. Save the Good Candy for the Kids with the Best Costumes

You can’t exactly come right out and tell a kid his costume sucks so hard that you’d rather talk to a customer service rep with a thick accent for an hour than to give them a Kit Kat. So when a kid comes to the door with a costume that sucks so hard it makes you tired and angry, drop a handful of Canadian pennies into their bag. At first they’ll likely be excited to hear the jingle of money. But as you see their face momentarily light up, say, “They’re Canadian.” then slam the door. Studies have shown that the phrase, “They’re Canadian” has the same effect on the brain as the words, “I’m sorry but I’m afraid we put your dog down by accident. We confused him for the beagle with Stage 4 Benjamin Button’s Disease in the cage next door.”

Hopefully, these tips will improve your credibility in your community. If not, you can always look yourself in the mirror at the end of the night and feel good knowing that for once in your life, it was acceptable to get drunk and dress up like Dracula. Trust me, you may not need that Dracula outfit but you’re definitely gonna need that booze. Especially if Jenny McCarthy’s flight doesn’t leave until the next morning.

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