20 More Parenting Facts That I Just Made Up

98% of children under the age of 5 have no fucking clue where their shoes are.

83% of parents fantasize about beating the living shit out of another parent at their kid’s school.

92% of parents lock themselves in the bathroom to eat in peace.

60% of children are excited at the thought of a home invasion so they can set up all the booby traps that Kevin from Home Alone did.

I still wanna fuck Andy from The Goonies. I’d probably let Stef jerk me off if things didn’t work out with Andy.

By the end of every family vacation, 99% of parents are capable of murder.

75% of parents await pay day like children await Christmas morning.

85% of parents fantasize about building a time machine just so they can go back and start using condoms.

100% of children throw up wherever the fuck they feel like it.

92% of fathers use the word “goddamn” as an adjective.

There is no better feeling as a parent than when your kid rips a well-timed fart.

I hate giving Santa Claus credit for the presents that I bought.

82% of mothers seriously considering having their uterus filled with cement after the third child.

75% of parents’ sexual experiences are interrupted with pounding on the door and someone asking, “What are you doing?”

45% of parents enjoy sitting in their minivan by themselves.

8% of parents at kids sporting events can actually just shut the fuck up and let their kids play.

94% of parents who did a shot of liquor every time Caillou whined during an episode had alcohol poisoning by the end of the show.

80% of dads enjoying crushing their kids in Connect Four.

61% of dads are embarrassed by their inability to successfully complete the monkey bars after seeing their kids do it.

19% of parents eat all the Lunchables in the fridge just to be a dick.





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